everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
