I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
