Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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