Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
