do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
