bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize