May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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