My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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