I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
