I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
