are you so shy because you have an std?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
