This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
