apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize