Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
