the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
