I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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