I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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