I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize