nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
