Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
