It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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