Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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