Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
