my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
