i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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