the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I could fuck to npr.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize