Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
