Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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