I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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