the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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