found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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