You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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