also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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