there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
sarcasm needs its own font
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
