I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
