mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
