I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
