I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
