I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
