I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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