Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
