A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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