is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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