so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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