you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
