she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
