Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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