Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
