Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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