eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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