go do what you do best...puke behind churches
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
