Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I want to have your abortion
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
