Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
