I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
