if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
