walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
