i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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