How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
