I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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