im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
