PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize