I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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