I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
